Wednesday, 15 February 2017

UPDATE | RELATIONSHIP

There are a few reasons as to why I wanted to do this update. Firstly, because I've never gone in depth what's happening in my life. Secondly, I think it will be so beneficial for me to look back on. Back in 2012, I wrote a post here on my blog all about how to be a morning person, in the hope someone else could take some comfort in what I had to say but I feel as there is no potion for the 'perfect life' and does that actually exist? I hadn't seen anyone else talking about their experiences with cheating and although it scared me to do it, I wanted to help others and to share my experience. At the time, I was the happiest I could be. This was until I became aware of things and certain situations that set an alarm off in my brain. Missing out on things quickly became normal throughout the relationship. I didn't want to think that anyone would do this. I think this was one of the many reasons why I didn't seek advice to begin with. I thought I had it under control by avoiding absolutely everything but this would trigger my anxiety.

As I've grown as a person, I became very aware of the fact I was going to be missing out on potentially life-changing opportunities if I carried on living my life in the same way and it bothered me SO MUCH. I was meeting a lot of new people who mostly appeared to have their shit together and I became so aware of the behaviours I'd installed so deeply into my subconscious mind that I didn't really know where to start. One of my biggest questions to myself was, why would I let myself be treated so badly? Especially when he begged for my forgiveness.

Everything has moved SO QUICKLY. Some weeks I feel on top of the world, and other weeks I would be rocking back and fourth in tears. Although I make jokes, it has really affected me. And although, I've never really talked in depth with anyone how bad it has affected me, it has been extremely challenging to balance. I went on a night out in Leicester last weekend and knowing I could stay at home and not run the risk of being in tears or pushing myself because I wanted to go, I WANTED TO DO IT. The amount of times I use to cry before he woke up because I knew something wasn't right. ALWAYS trust your instinct. The torture I'd put myself through sitting with all his family, something I wanted so desperately to enjoy (they were all so lovely to me) and my mind wouldn't let me. I didn't want to be known as "Eddie with the cheating boyfriend" because that's not me. I knew the basis of my anxiety but I couldn't honestly say if anything happened physically. Leaving him seemed the common sense to me but it just hadn't clicked this way before, I felt I was the one who said sorry at first? I worked hard week by week but just remember that it is not your responsibility to change someone who carries out the trait of unfaithfulness and don't EVER feel like you have to because you don't. Where you go, what you do, what you eat, who you hang out with.. Your choice. Don't let anyone undermine your life. Pulling off the top of a weed, won't stop it from re-growing eventually. I wanted to tackle the root of what's happened and I feel that's why I'm able to write this post within less than a month of it happening (with help from my closest friends which I love them loads for). You have to push yourself, you have to know when something isn't going right and you have to give yourself a massive pat on the back when things are going great.

Nobody should settle with unfaithfulness being a big part of their identity, it isn't. It's just a small part of you, that doesn't need to be so loud but also, doesn't need to exist at all. Don't just settle, take steps to improving your life. Also remember that you aren’t alone. You are not the only one on this planet feeling the way you do and although at times it can seem as though nobody understands, yourself included, there will be somebody or something that can help. Ultimately, though, only you can make the biggest difference by making that first, and often very terrifying first step. I can’t even express to you in words how happy I am that I decided to make that change.

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